The Gutters, By Rick Whitten

First of all let me make it clear that I have made it until the age of 40 and NEVER had to clean out gutters! The house I have lived in for the last 10 years was taller than any tree, and before that it was apartments, and before that Dad did them? Hmm, I'm scanning my childhood memory banks and can not remember anything about cleaning gutters. Did you ever clean the gutters Dad?

The reason I am talking about gutters is obviously because I just got done cleaning them, and I can tell you now that they are a pain in the ass! First off, let's cover the cost. One extension ladder $100 bucks, one gutter scoop (borrowed from B.S. so it's free this time), one new pair of underwear $3.50! I have discovered that 6 feet is about as high as anyone needs to go on a ladder, and that roofs are for Santa Clause and guys hiding from the police!

So with the help of a friend, I extend this ladder out to 18 feet (yup, that is 2 stories for anyone counting) and head up to the top with my little scoop in the back pocket. Now once I get up there, (a long climb I tell ya!) this puts my nose right over the edge of the gutter. I take my scoop and begin to remove the mountains of stinky, slimy, water logged, crap! Now, one hand has the death grip on the ladder, the other is working the tool, removing the gunk, and it happens... A big blob of stink juice flicks onto your lip! Lick it? Extend your lip out so it is right under your nose? Nope, you slowly rotate your head and wipe it onto your shoulder.

The only joy I received out of this whole event were the screams from below as the, shall we call it, 'forest paste' rained down from above. Now you would think, 'that is not so bad,' but it gets better. As I move down the length of the house, the ladder seems to be getting shorter. Actually, the ground is getting lower as we move along causing me to not be able to reach the gutter. It is then that my helper has the brilliant idea of bringing the trailer down and setting up the ladder inside so it sits higher! The only problem with this is that the Jeep will have to come on down behind the house too!

I fire up the Jeep and drive down in the mud behind the house and we begin the ballet of gutter cleaning with 4x4 and Trailer. This works well but churns up the mud something awful. In the end, the gutters are relatively clean, my tennis shoes are shot, the Jeep and trailer need a major bath, and the gutters will just fill up with crap again!

I am now looking at all of the super gutter topper systems that range from $1.50 to $4.00 bucks PER FOOT! That is just flat ridiculous! I can't believe that they would charge that per foot... BECAUSE I'D PAY $10 !!!