The Holidays

Well here it is already Sunday night and it's all done except for the over filled recycle bins on the curbs outside. I'm talking, of course, about Christmas. I believe my festivities mirrored many others as I followed the 10 requirements of the Holidays:

1) Drive at least 4+ hours in one day. Bonus points for heavy fog and rain in the dark. Double Bonus Points if you tell your spouse that they are not doing their job as a passenger by not creating stimulating conversation or worse yet closing their eyes and maybe even taking a nap!

2) Communicate with a difficult person. This includes: Boring conversation, a one sided conversation, a story you heard last year or every Holiday, any type of story about that persons children or anyone with a voice that involves more nose than thoat. Bonus points for leaving the conversation and shooting 'The Look" at your spouse, showing that you are about ready to snap. Double Bonus Points for avoiding that person for the rest of the function or for leaving early.

3) Eating food on paper plates. Bonus points for having to bend the plate into a 'U' shape to increase its' load bearing capacity. Double Bonus Points for having to be told to use the plates and not just stand in front of the table and forage right out of the serving plates.

4) Having to watch some cheesy home video made by someone who thinks they are Steven Spielberg just because they own a video camera. Bonus points if you had to watch it more than once. Double Bonus Points if you manage to have to use the rest room during the showing and slip out.

5) Having to keep one Christmas get together from the other Christmas get together because you know the two parties would never get together. Bonus points if at some point you mention something that screws up the timeline but then put it back together with no one figuring out you messed up. Double bonus points if you think you fooled them but you didn't. (You'll never know... you might as well get some points for it, right?")

6) Dropping some type of food or liquid on the host carpet or floor and making a half hearted attempt to discretely clean it up. Bonus Points if the said food falls from a 'U' shaped plate. Double Bonus Points if didn't try to clean it up but just did the side to side look to see if anyone else saw and seeing that no one did you just walk on.

7) Calculating in your head the known value of your gift to them versus your preceved value of their gift to you. Bonus Points if your gift kicked their gifts' ass! Double Bonus Points if your gift was much cheaper than it looks or re-gifted from the 'secret' get together from #5.

8) Doing 'just a little' snooping while using the bathroom or walking to the bathroom. Bonus Points for reading any prescription bottles. Double Bonus Points for using any holiday decoration for drying your hands.

9) Watching someone save all of the bows and refold wrap, "You know, for next year." Bonus Points for ripping the person doing the saving. Double Bonus Points if you normally do it too, but since your not doing it now, you act like you never do it.

10) Taking an awful digital photograph of someone, showing them the photograph because you know it's awful, having them beg for you to delete it, telling them you will and even going through the motion of doing it but don't so you can use it against them later. Bonus Points if you know who you are. Double Bonus Points if you did the same thing to me!

Disclaimer: The above 10 items are put together as a joke and in no way represent my joyful holiday get togethers. It is not my intention to upset or offend anyone in anyway. ...but, Oh MAN! did my gift kick your gifts' ass!