Fast Food Restaurants: You wouldn’t let a child operate heavy machinery, why do you let them salt my fry’s?
Restaurants: Waiter/Waitress, please learn that if I put cream in my coffee I might add sugar too. Though I appreciate the “warm up” you have now destroyed my cup of coffee requiring some complex chemistry on my part to make it drinkable again.
Product Idea: Toothpaste that you can swallow… because it’s a multi-vitamin too! Bonus effect: Last night’s pot roast particles still have some nutritional value!
Batteries: Give me some quick visual clue that does not require me to squeeze you until my fingers hurt to determine if you still have any juice.
Smoke Detectors: Why must the “battery low” warning beep ALWAYS start at 2:00 in the morning?
Product Idea: A device that takes your picture and then superimposes all of the different styles of glasses frames onto your face. Because if I can’t wear my glasses I can’t see what I look like in them!
Cats: If you trip me and I fall to my death, who will feed you?
A Tip: When it comes to HDMI cables. You know the funny looking ones you use to hook up your new flat screen T.V.? The cheapest one works EXACTLY like the most expensive one! It’s digital people, it either works or it doesn’t. There is NO difference in picture quality! See the Best Buy entry for clarification.
Electronic Room Keys: Please make a card key that does NOT demagnetize. There is nothing more embarrassing than a quick trip to the vending machine in your shorts and ratty t-shirt that turns into a trip down to the lobby to re-activate your card.
Bar Soap: When you get to a certain size, just evaporate! Don’t make me try to use you. It’s not efficient and probably not safe. Bonus: Make a bar that bounces. At least I’ll have a second chance when I drop it.
Product Idea: A shower head with a light on the side that lights up once the stream is warm enough to step into.
Cell Phones: Why must you beep TWICE in my ear AND a third time when they hang up to inform me when I have another call coming in? You have destroyed my focus with the person I am currently speaking to and introduced unnecessary stress into my life. At least give me the option to turn it off!
Cats: I don’t screw with you when you’re sleeping. Return the favor once and awhile.
Olive Garden: One olive? Really?
Wiper Blades: I’m starting to understand the numbering system when making my selection but the jumble of adaptors and plastic bits required to actually attach the blade?
Drive through Window Clerks: I can’t understand you. Any of you.
Starbucks: Why must your coffee double as an oven cleaner? I like caffeine and request a mocha that I don’t have to sacrifice my stomach lining too.
Best Buy: Your “sales associate’s” should be required to wear a badge that reads: “No matter what comes out of my mouth I assure you that I know less than you do!”
A Tip: There is NO virus checker out there worth paying for! The free ones work great.
Cats: Could you just speak English please!
Cell Phones: I only need a “low battery” warning ONCE! Making the phone unusable for the last 10 percent of your battery life is NOT a feature.
Weather Man/Woman: You can get a lot of things wrong about the weather and I will forgive you. But if you say it’s going to snow, it better snow.
Product Idea: A device that prevents your book or Kindle from smacking you in the face when you fall asleep while reading in bed.
Fast Food Restaurants: Stop offering medium and large when you know damn well there is a small size too.
Product Idea: As I get older I’m starting to feel guilty when I keep having to turn up the heat in the house to feel warm. Just create a thermostat where I enter my age and it does the rest.
Red Lobster: That basket of cheese biscuits you just put in front of me. As long as I’m sitting here it should NEVER be empty.
A Tip: Extended warranties: Just say no. You believers all have a story about the time it saved you but it is no different than the ONE time you won on a slot machine… you paid WAY too much for it.
Television: Placing your logo in the corner of the show FOREVER does not please your audience. It just ruins the viewing experience. Bonus: The absolutely annoying advertisements that slide in and over the show you are currently trying to enjoy? Yup, they suck too.
Commercial Flying: You name it, it’s broken.
Veterinarians: Pets don’t understand why they are sick and they certainly don’t know why I am trying to ram medicine down their throats. Why can’t you make something that tastes good that they WANT to eat? “My pet is cured but now hates me.”
Parking Lots: Once I park the car I still have to get out of it. I’m parking a car in this space not a motorcycle. Make them bigger please.
“You know”: This is hard for me to say but I’m fine with you bringing “um” back!
Reality T.V.: It should go away.
Magazines: If you have a table of contents, and you tell me which page number to go to, your publication should actually HAVE page numbers.
Cats: The toy you are looking for is under the refrigerator.
Glitter: I like you. You’re cool. Now someone needs to invent a better glue so you won’t flake off onto EVERYTHING I own. A side note: If you are really my friend you will tell me about the glitter on my face BEFORE I discover it after I get home.
That's it for now. If you have one let me know and I'll add it to Part Two! And "yes" I feel better now.
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